Breathe
by my crooked heart
Summary: Songfic to Taylor Swift's "Breathe". In the midst of her return to District 12, Katniss thinks about all that she's lost during the rebellion.


**Breathe**

_Summary: __Katniss reflects on her relationship with Gale and how it has changed throughout the course of the Rebellion._

_Disclaimer: All characters, locations etc. are the property of Suzanne Collins. "Breathe" is the property of Taylor Swift._

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><p><em>I see your face in my mind as I drive away<em>_  
><em>_'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way__  
><em>_People are people and sometimes we change our minds__  
><em>_But it's killing me to see you go after all this time_

I am sitting in a car, one of the fancy limos that were left behind in the Capitol after the Rebellion. My entire body is stiff. I feel like an entirely different Katniss Everdeen to the one who played the Mockingjay. That Katniss had everything to fight for. This Katniss has no one left to stand for her. My sister is dead. Peeta is still recovering from his brainwashing. And my mother is going to District 4 to set up a hospital. As for me, I'm returning to District 12. It's not just the loss of my mother, Peeta and Prim that I have to deal with, however. It's Gale.

_Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm__  
><em>_Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm_

His face flashes through my mind as the engine revs up. Strong jaw, olive skin, dark hair. Seam eyes. He's going to District 2. He wants to work with the military. Fitting, I suppose. Gale has always been a natural born soldier.

_Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie__  
><em>_It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see__  
><em>_'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down__  
><em>_Now I don't know what to be without you around_

I am alone now. For the first time in my life, I am truly alone. Even in the arena, I had someone. Rue, Peeta, Johanna, Finnick. There has always been someone ready to catch me if I fall. More often than not, that person was Gale. And now? Now he is gone, and I am alone. I have relied on Gale for so long that it feels like I'm missing a limb, not just my best friend.

_And we know it's never simple, never easy__  
><em>_Never a clean break, no one here to save me__  
><em>_You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand_

There will be no more hunting on Sundays. No more trading in the Hob – although that's an impossibility anyway, seeing as how it was destroyed by the Capitol's firebombs along with the rest of the Seam. I'm not sure how I will manage without Gale to hunt with me.

_And I can't breathe__  
><em>_Without you, but I have to__  
><em>_Breathe__  
><em>_Without you, but I have to_

The limo purrs through Panem and I allow myself to imagine for a moment what life will be like without Gale, Peeta and Prim. I see endless hours of boredom and loneliness, perhaps with only Haymitch to keep me company. It almost seems too much to bear, but I don't have any other choice. I'm not like my mother. I can't just move to another district and pretend that everything is alright. She's going to District 4 to escape from memories of Prim – I'm going to District 12 because I _need_ to remember her.

_Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt__  
><em>_Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve__  
><em>_People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out__  
><em>

The worst part is that I know this is all of my fault. It's my fault that Gale is leaving me. Back when all of this started, we were the best of friends. My romance with Peeta in the arena changed that. It changed _us_. And that, I think, was the catalyst for it all. If Gale hadn't been so hurt at losing me to Peeta, he may never have created the firebomb that killed Prim. And if Prim had never died, then she and my mother would be returning to District 12 with me.

_And we know it's never simple, never easy__  
><em>_Never a clean break, no one here to save me__  
><em>_You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand_

The two people who know me best in the world, Prim and Gale, and I am responsible for pushing them away. There will never be anyone who knows me like they do. Even if Peeta were to return to District 12 someday, it wouldn't be the same. I love him – I know that now – but there are things he can't share with me, things that we can never share with each other. He will never know what it was like to grow up, starving and fatherless. He will never know what it's like to love your sibling so much that you are willing to die for them.

_And I can't breathe__  
><em>_Without you, but I have to__  
><em>_Breathe__  
><em>_Without you, but I have to_

As the car pulls into what remains of District 12, I close my eyes. _I chose this_, I remind myself, although it's difficult to remember that when I step out and see what used to be my home. Images flash through my mind of a younger Katniss, running through the Seam with Prim, hunting in the Meadow with Gale. I force them out of my mind, because they're gone now, and I need to accept that.

_It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend__  
><em>_Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me__  
><em>_It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend__  
><em>_Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me_

Gone. They're gone.

_And we know it's never simple, never easy__  
><em>_Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh_

And I am alone.

_I can't breathe__  
><em>_Without you, but I have to__  
><em>_Breathe__  
><em>_Without you, but I have to__  
><em>_Breathe__  
><em>_Without you, but I have to_

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry__  
><em>_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

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><p><strong>Wow. This was depressing. I kinda liked it though. Did you? :3<strong>


End file.
